Feeling discouraged right now....
Parents who email me at 9 pm on a Friday night, demanding things from me "ASAP" that their child should have taken care of in August.
Parents who lecture me when I call about their child's behavior, and tell me that the problem is that I "don't listen" to them.
The child of these parents, who called me "fresh meat."
Classroom behavior that makes it challenging to even teach a lesson...and then feeling like a failure because of how little I've actually been able to teach this class.
Another student who decided to call me an idiot this week.
Blaming myself for getting frustrated, for raising my voice, for ineffective lesson planning, for being so tired, for being so achy, for being so crabby, for not being the five different people at once that my students need me to be- parent, counselor, doctor, babysitter, and oh yeah, teacher.

Wine is delicious on a Monday night. So are unexpected bonuses for target school performance. Deliciously...merited. I mean.

Also, Taylor Swift, I don't want to hear you singing about that fucking Twilight kid anymore. Or at all, preferably.

"Hey, Ms. W."
I look up from my computer. A is standing there, grinning, with his hands clasped behind his back.
"Hi A....."
"So what kind of music do you like, Ms. W? Do you like Cake?"
I am surprised. "Uh, yeah, I do......"
"What about Billy Jo-WELL? Do you like Billy Jo-WELL? Because I listen to her all the time. I think we have like the same taste in music. Isn't that cool?"
"Yeah, it's actually Billy Joel...."
"Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. Man, I love her."
I glance behind A's back. He's clutching a handful of CD's. He's trying not to burst out giggling, I can tell.
"A?"
"Yes, Ms. W?"
"Stay out of my stereo!"

I've been feeling like there is just a bit too much unpleasantness around lately. And much of it is really unnecessary. We as a society have just let common courtesies fall by the wayside, as though being plain old nice is somehow old-fashioned. We glorify incessant bitchiness. We call it humor.
 Hey, girls? This ain't women's lib.
I don't know anybody who is having a particularly easy time of things right now.
So I suggest we all try, just try, to be a little softer with one another. I'll go first.

So I don't love Googling myself and finding stuff like this:

http://wortheyfamily.blogspot.com/

P.S. No relation. That I know of.

I was actually scheduled (and expected!) to be in three places at once this afternoon.
I'd really like to start asking how these things are even supposed to be possible, but I feel like that's sort of missing the point.

Never in my life have I been made so aware of my size.
I am not a particularly petite person. I am also not at all large or physically imposing, and I never knew what a hindrance it would eventually become, in my line of work at least. When you're a teenage girl, it's all about being little and cute. What is it that feminists always point to regarding body image- that men want to claim their place in the world and women want to take up as little room possible? Well, something along those lines. And that's always how I felt. I wanted to be small and adorable.
Fast- forward to ten years and two teaching credentials later. I spend all day around teenagers, eighty percent of whom are bigger than me. Seventy percent of these teenagers are male. Most of them did not grow up soft in the country the way I did (as much as I hate chauvinism and good old boy politics, I sure do miss boys with manners.) I may be small and cute here- I have been told as much several times by my students and their parents alike- but it gets in the way of my doing an effective job. I know that I'm strong and capable, but I don't necessarily come off that way. I don't have age on my side. I don't have size on my side. I don't have experience on my side. And I don't have gender on my side. And I hate saying all of this because it sounds like I'm dismissing myself as a helpless little lady, just as many others already have. I'm not. But I do find it frustrating. I'm annoyed that I couldn't physically do anything in the event of a fight. I appreciate it, but feel helpless, when a male teacher steps in for me.
How do I fix this?
I don't need to be the "hot" teacher. I need to be the teacher who actually makes an impact.

Because I'm struggling. Still.
And I'm so disappointed by that.

A few points before I continue with my complaining:

I have a family who loves me regardless of whatever glitches we may have.

I have friends who are like family and love me regardless of whatever glitches we may have.

I have something special with someone, and that can't be taken away, regardless of distance or uncertain futures.

I HAVE A JOB. I have a job, I have a job, I have a job. And it's salaried and comes with fantastic benefits. And it's right in the middle of the field I want, with plenty of opportunities for growth and professional development. AND all three of my degrees/credentials are being utilized, as well as the fourth in progress. That right there is more than ninety percent of the people I know can say.

And onward.

I hope you aspire to be more than just "hot," that you view your looks as a nice bonus and don't give them priority over anything of importance, and that you understand that while looking nice is going to get you somewhere, if it's all you focus on, it will get you about as far as a man who only appreciates you for your appearance. And someday that will matter to you. I hope you realize that while your  happiness in high school may lie in your popularity, for the rest of your life it will be your intelligence, your passion, your enthusiasm, your energy, and your persistence that will sustain you. I want you to take pride in who you are as an emotional, capable being and not someone who has been busily priming herself to be a sexual object. I want you to know that while that side of you is nothing to be ashamed of, it should not be for public consumption.

Until we really have these conversations with girls, I don't know how we're going to expect them to live up to all the pressure we place on them. We want female doctors, lawyers, politicians, professors, executives. We also keep trying to sell them "starter" make-up kits and thongs when they're still in elementary school. We try to teach them how to be physically appealing to men, how to play mind games in order to keep them intrigued. We ask them about boyfriends instead of school. We continue to shred female politicians to pieces for their looks.

We need to encourage and invest in their growth instead of oversexualizing them from childhood, criticizing women's bodies in the media at every turn, screaming at them to improve their test scores, and then wondering why this generation is struggling. Yes, we have come so far. We also have very different ideas of what empowered womanhood means. Hint: it ain't about porn. Ask Gloria Steinem.

Of course I want people to think I'm pretty, but I honestly want to them to think I'm intelligent first. That's probably my favorite thing about myself.
Sorry if this sounds a bit insufferable. I get this way sometimes. Okay, a lot.

And as an aside: Carly Fiorina, you're really going to attack Barbara Boxer for asking to be called "Senator" instead of "Ma'am?" That's all ya got? And you think you're some kind of feminist. P.S.- she did work really fucking hard for that title. Get a better campaign.

I've been told to stop butting in so many times, but once I fail to interfere, it turns out that I should have. I hate not being there when I'm needed.

Some highlights from the week:

~Two students are sitting with their desks pushed together, sharing headphones and working quietly. As I walk past, I hear humming. It sounds familiar.
I pause next to their desks. I hear them sing, so softly that I think I may be imagining it (or watching too much Glee lately), "Just a city boy..."
Me: "Are you two listening to Journey???"
Them: "Teehee."

~I'm sitting on a desk in the front of the room, talking to a few students as they finish up their free writes. I hear giggling coming from the corner of the room. I look over, and see four pairs of eyes peering up at me.
Me: "Hi."
Them: giggle giggle
Me (suspicious): "Whatcha doing?"
All four kids look over at the front row of desks next to me. I follow their gazes.
Something looks off. Very off.
I can't pinpoint it.
I stare for a very long time. More giggling.
Me: "Ummmmm." I slowly turn to look at them.
One of them: "What's wrong with your desk?"
I look back at the row of desks. The desk in the very center of the row is at least a foot shorter than the rest of them. It looks completely intact, but....tiny.
Me: "What......happened to the desk?"
Them: Giggle giggle
I am beyond confused.
Me: "What.....did you....did you do something? Why....."
One of them: "Want us to fix it?"
Me: "Yes?? But....did you....do that? When did you do that?"
Student: "Maaaaaaybe."
They fix the desk.

~My third period class is noisy and having a hard time focusing on our reading quiz.
Me: "Sit down, please! We are taking a test!" I say this about five times before the class finally settles down and the students start quietly taking their test.
 I'm helping a student when, in my peripheral line of vision, I see another kid standing up.
"C, sit down please," I call over to him without really looking up.
He doesn't sit down.
I straighten and stare right at him, attempting to give him that look that teachers give students when they are warning them to follow directions or else.
He stares right back, struggling to keep a straight face. He puts one hand on his hip and leans in.
He looks like me.
C: "You sit down. We are taking a test."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- R. Frost

What kind of person gets stood up by her own grandmother? And actually cries about it?
Oh, wait.