I think it's interesting that since becoming an English teacher, my own writing has gone downhill. Way downhill. I read posts from my old blog and wonder what happened to my creativity, my way with words. I used to be much more articulate. I like to think that the stress of my job has been depleting brain cells. That makes me feel better.
And now on to all that stress.
I have a fear of failure. An intense, almost paralyzing some days, crushing fear of failure. It keeps me from relaxing, from enjoying the moment, from having anything even resembling peace of mind. And now that I have a real job, one that could actually be referred to as my career, the pressure has intensified. I am so afraid of messing it up. And so much pressure is levied on teachers these days anyway. We are the reason our students aren't succeeding. We are the reason test scores are so low. We are expected to work long past our contracted hours and if we aren't stressed out of our minds, we are not working hard enough- all the more reason to feel responsible when our classroom management goes to hell or our students don't pass our tests. It's part of the culture among teachers to be completely, desperately overworked, especially in the first year. I guess maybe it's how we justify our vacations or something. But we ARE. And I feel so utterly helpless at times, because I am blaming myself for the actions of children who I just met three months ago. I feel responsible when they fail. I never feel that I am trying hard enough, or accomplishing enough. I wonder if I will ever be able to teach them everything they need to know, or if I can even begin to teach them what I am supposed to. What if my students go into world history without knowing the three branches of government or the bill of rights or what factors contributed to our win in the American Revolution? That will be MY fault. If they score below grade level on their standardized tests and our school comes under scrutiny for it, that will be MY fault as well. I honestly can't even think at times, that's how much this all overwhelms me.

And this colors everything in my life. I am terrified of screwing up relationships. I can't bear the thought of losing people near and dear to me.
I can't bear the thought of losing, period. Not what matters, at least. And at this point, everything that remains in my life really, truly matters. There would be no room for it, otherwise.