Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' come
Watching the ships roll in
And then I watch 'em roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the 'Frisco bay
'Cause I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothin's gonna come my way

So I'm just gonna sit on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes

Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home

Now, I'm just gonna sit at the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Oooo-wee, sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Holy crap, you do NOT need a joint Facebook profile.

I think it's interesting that since becoming an English teacher, my own writing has gone downhill. Way downhill. I read posts from my old blog and wonder what happened to my creativity, my way with words. I used to be much more articulate. I like to think that the stress of my job has been depleting brain cells. That makes me feel better.
And now on to all that stress.
I have a fear of failure. An intense, almost paralyzing some days, crushing fear of failure. It keeps me from relaxing, from enjoying the moment, from having anything even resembling peace of mind. And now that I have a real job, one that could actually be referred to as my career, the pressure has intensified. I am so afraid of messing it up. And so much pressure is levied on teachers these days anyway. We are the reason our students aren't succeeding. We are the reason test scores are so low. We are expected to work long past our contracted hours and if we aren't stressed out of our minds, we are not working hard enough- all the more reason to feel responsible when our classroom management goes to hell or our students don't pass our tests. It's part of the culture among teachers to be completely, desperately overworked, especially in the first year. I guess maybe it's how we justify our vacations or something. But we ARE. And I feel so utterly helpless at times, because I am blaming myself for the actions of children who I just met three months ago. I feel responsible when they fail. I never feel that I am trying hard enough, or accomplishing enough. I wonder if I will ever be able to teach them everything they need to know, or if I can even begin to teach them what I am supposed to. What if my students go into world history without knowing the three branches of government or the bill of rights or what factors contributed to our win in the American Revolution? That will be MY fault. If they score below grade level on their standardized tests and our school comes under scrutiny for it, that will be MY fault as well. I honestly can't even think at times, that's how much this all overwhelms me.

And this colors everything in my life. I am terrified of screwing up relationships. I can't bear the thought of losing people near and dear to me.
I can't bear the thought of losing, period. Not what matters, at least. And at this point, everything that remains in my life really, truly matters. There would be no room for it, otherwise.

Also, think I'm country now? I just reread my last post and I think it goes without saying that I used to be really country. Like, really really country. Like, I listened to country music, worked at the corner grocery, and wanted to be married (to a guy who hunted in camo) by my early twenties.
Which are gone now, P.S.
Thank God.
P.P.S. I still sometimes listen to country. On the DL.

Well, hello there, THE PAST.
How entirely strange to be having this conversation with you. Nice, but strange.
So much has happened over the past five years, and I have no idea where to begin. I don't feel like you would relate to much of it anyway, and my most exciting adventures are certainly not things you need to hear about.
But I'm glad it's friendly. I've never held any ill will toward you (at least not after the first three...five months or so.) It's actually really nice to be able to look back fondly on an old relationship for a change.
I don't miss myself during that time at all. I feel like I was an entirely different human being then. I met you in the fourth grade. We started dating in high school. I mean, I still ate poultry then for God's sake. Little nineteen-year-old me actually thought I was going to marry you. But some very large differences in opinion came to a head and I spent months crying, ran a marathon in part to have something constructive to do with myself, and eventually moved off to the city and went to college and now we live in two entirely different worlds.
And maybe we weren't quite adults then, but yes, you were my first big heartbreak. It was also the first time I really had to pick myself back up and start all over again. I had one thing planned and ended up accidentally living something better.
You stand as a reminder of what I am capable of.

I'm way too young to start losing my faith in humanity.

Someday, airports are going to be an unemotional place for me. No longer the site of joyous arrivals and agonizing departures, they'll simply be the hub through which I travel. I'll take vacations with my significant other, with my family, with friends. I'll go to conferences for work. I'll visit relatives.

I will no longer rely on airports to facilitate and sustain my relationship. And I certainly won't sit crying in them. In San Francisco. Toronto. Sacramento. Chicago. Burlington. Albuquerque. Las Vegas. New York. Washington D.C. Phoenix. They all look the same to me. And they all seem to be filled with people who are merely traveling.