I've fallen into a bit of a routine during my Saturday mornings. I usually wake up earlier than I meant to, make some coffee, and eat a mound of eggs with goat cheese and tomatoes while watching CNN. I blog, Yelp, or read the NY Times online. I eye the stack of papers in the corner that are always waiting to be graded. I feel guilty for putting it off until Sunday.
Guilt has been occupying a large part of my time lately. During the first few weeks of school, I felt that I could never do enough. And I still can't, but now I feel guilty that I'm not exhausted and burnt out. I actually behaved like a functional human being this past week. I slept between six and seven hours each night, I cooked dinner, I went grocery shopping, I went for a run. I didn't stay up until 1 am hyperventilating (well, besides Sunday night.) But now I feel that I haven't tried enough. Because I feel more healthy and balanced than I have in weeks, I feel that I'm slacking. When presented with a challenge (and this is most certainly a challenge), if I don't completely kill myself over it, I think I'm doing something wrong. I'm a first year teacher teaching four subjects at three grade levels. I'm working on my Master's degree. I'm helping with an after school club and I'll be tutoring twice a week starting in October. How was it possible for me to wake up this morning without a migraine? To actually keep a hair appointment yesterday? To gasp! do my laundry?
I don't want to give the impression that I have it all together. I don't. My room is still a mess. I still need to buy new sheets. I would like to work out more. That stack of papers is still there. My lesson plans definitely still need tweaking. I owe my EDTE professor a theorist presentation. All these boys are still driving me crazy.
It's not that I've conquered anything at all.
But I feel more together? It's probably just that I've been getting more sleep.
I'm so afraid that this is the calm before the storm.